How to get fired from a job you hate

This is a satirical article. Don't take it too seriously.

An Escape Plan

Look, I've been writing these "inspirational" marketing posts for three years now. Three. Whole. Years. And you know what? I'm done pretending doing this doesn't suck. It does. It sucks so bad that sometimes I stare at my laptop wondering if throwing it through the window would be worth the property damage charge to the cars below.

You fall asleep to meeting invitations. You wake up to Slack notifications, because somehow you managed to get new meetings between the time you fell asleep and the time you woke up that you're now late for. And most of the meetings could have been emails. Your project manager asks for "just one more thing" at 4:55 PM on a Friday.

Fluorescent lights are draining your will to live. Office air is just recycled sadness. Corporate even took away the free snacks. And that standing desk? Yo fuck that standing desk.

Seriously, how much more of this bullshit can you take?

The Art of Getting Fired without getting blacklisted

Getting fired is an art form. Do it wrong, and you're unemployable. Do it right and you become legend. Just look at this absolute madlad.

And please, keep in mind that HR is not your friend.

Cause the productivity nosedive

Start missing deadlines. Not dramatically, but consistently. Turn in work that's just bad enough to be disappointing but not bad enough to be immediately fireable. When asked about it, sigh deeply and say, "I'm just not feeling challenged anymore." Watch as management scrambles to "engage" you before eventually giving up.

Be the meeting saboteur

Show up to meetings unprepared. Ask questions that were answered in the email everyone received. Suggest ideas so outside the scope that conversations derail. Turn your camera off during video calls and respond with delayed, confused answers when called upon. "Sorry, my connection is terrible today", "Sorry, I was reading messages", "Sorry, something broke and I'm trying to deal with it" works about thirty times before someone realizes nothing is broken and your connection is pristine.

A reply-all revolutionary

Nothing accelerates your exit like strategic email mishaps. Forward an internal email about cost-cutting to the entire company. Reply all to a client email with "Do we really have to keep working with these people?" (that'll show em!) then follow up with a half-hearted "Sorry, wrong thread." Bonus points if you "accidentally" include competitors on proposals.

Or my all time favorite, randomly say "I've attached it here", but attach nothing. Ever.

The one and only slack truth-teller

Start being honest in Slack. When your boss asks how the project is going, respond with "About as well as my pay raise talks are". When asked to join another pointless brainstorming session, reply "We have storms, but I don't see any brains". The beauty of text communication is plausible deniability: "Am I not allowed to laugh on the job anymore?"

The Dress Code Anarchist

If your workplace has returned to the office, start dressing inappropriately. Not offensive, just wrong. Wear pajamas. Wear formal evening attire. Wear hiking gear complete with walking poles (please document and send us in an email). When questioned, appear genuinely confused: "Why aren't you dressed up for the event today?"

We also have a wide assortment of t-shirts and hoodies that can cause a sense of unease and panic in your co-workers and managers.

Embrace the sweet release of unemployment

When the inevitable happens and you're called into a room with HR, try not to smile too obviously (scratch that, smile, what are they gonna do? Fire you?). Accept your fate with a dignified nod. Sign the papers. Collect your belongings (leave the succulent, it's the only living thing thriving in that environment).

Then walk out into the sunlight, take a deep breath, and realize the world is still exhausting, but at least for a while, it's yours again. File for unemployment immediately. Update your LinkedIn with some vague statement about "seeking new opportunities after a period of growth."

And if all else fails and they refuse to fire you? Well, there's always the nuclear option: actually doing your job exactly as described in your original job description. Nothing terrifies management more than an employee who works precisely to specification.

Welcome to freedom, fellow escapee. At least until the money runs out and the cycle begins again.

Just another burnt-out marketer who finally snapped at Miserably Employed