Miserably Employed: Retail Therapy for Workers Who Hate Their Jobs

Note from the marketing department: Management made me add this part. Use code HELLSCAPE for 10% off your first order. Don't worry, I hate them, too.

Buy Shit Because Jobs Are Slowly Killing Us All Anyway

Great. Another corporate blog post I have to write. Another meaningless collection of words designed to convince you that some product will somehow make your miserable existence slightly less unbearable. Well, at least this time I can be honest about it.

Welcome to Miserably Employed, a retail site for people who hate their jobs as much as I hate writing this announcement. Our target audience? You. Me. Everybody. The bleary-eyed, caffeine-dependent tech workers who stare at screens until their vision blurs, who attend meetings that should have been emails, who fix the same bugs over and over because management won't approve proper solutions. Why? Because they are just as clueless as the rest of us.

What We Offer

Products. That's what we offer. Stuff you can buy with the money you earn while slowly surrendering your soul to corporate America.

We've got:

• T-shirts that say what you’re really thinking like "HR is not your friend" and “I blame the product team”
• Hoodies, to keep your black heart warm, with strong words like “No.” and “I used to smile, before JIRA”
• Hats to shield you from the sun and cold, which let’s be honest, you barely see or feel anyways
• Mugs to hold the caffeine you need to keep going
• Accessories like phone cases and back-packs, because why the fuck not?

Right now, we're focusing on developers, designers, and project managers because you people seem especially miserable. 

The hollow look in a developer's eyes after being told to completely rewrite a feature for the fifth time? That's our target demographic. The designer who had their carefully crafted UI ruined by a CEO who "had some thoughts"? We see you. The project manager trying to explain why things are delayed while avoiding saying "because we're understaffed and overworked"? 

You're all our people. We understand.

Why We Exist

Because capitalism demands it. Because someone in a boardroom decided that your existential dread could be monetized. Because we all need to pay our bills.

But, also because misery loves company. There's something validating about seeing your specific brand of workplace suffering represented on a coffee mug or a sticker. It's like saying, "Yes, this is awful, and at least we all acknowledge it's awful instead of pretending everything is fine."

Guys, everything is not fine.

The Brutal Truth

Let's be honest: work sucks. The modern workplace is a dystopian nightmare where we trade our limited time on this planet for money to survive, all while pretending we're "passionate" about whatever random industry we've fallen into.

Technology was supposed to make our lives easier. Instead, it's made us permanently available. Your Slack notifications follow you to the bathroom. Your emails haunt your dreams. Your backlog grows faster than you can possibly address it.

And the world outside work? Just as exhausting. Climate change, political turmoil, economic uncertainty, social media anxiety, and the constant pressure to optimize every aspect of your existence. When exactly are we supposed to rest?

Coming Soon

We plan to expand beyond tech workers to other professions full of dead-eyed employees going through the motions. Healthcare workers who haven't slept in days. Teachers spending their own money on classroom supplies. Customer service representatives who've been screamed at one too many times.

The misery market is booming, and we're here to capitalize on it. Because that's how business works.

The Bottom Line

Will buying our products fix your life? Absolutely not. Will they momentarily distract you from the crushing weight of professional existence? Perhaps. Will they signal to your coworkers that you've given up on pretending everything is fine? Definitely.

Visit MiserablyEmployed.com today. Or don't. Nothing really matters anyway.

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The writer of this blog post has been prescribed additional mandatory wellness seminars and has been enrolled in the company's "Attitude Adjustment Program."