HR is not your friend

This is a public service announcement from your friends at Miserably Employed.

Early in most people’s careers, you’re first exposed to Human Resources when you’re hired. They interview you, onboard you, and get things rolling. You think they are nice, but the truth is that they are paid to pretend to be nice.

HR acts as the friendly face for the company, assuring you that everything is going to be just peachy. They hate your guts. Everything is not going to be peachy. Not at all.

HR is not your friend. They’re not your mentor. They’re not your work mom, your career coach, or your shoulder to cry on when you finally break down after the fourth Zoom call labeled “quick sync.”

HR exists to protect the company. Full stop and that’s it. Anything beyond that is branding and bullshit.

If you’ve ever felt the warm glow of an HR all-hands talking about “safe spaces” while simultaneously fielding a PIP for blinking too slowly in a meeting, then you already know. But for the blissfully unaware, here are five reasons why HR is not, and never will be, your friend.

HR works for the company above all

You, as an employee, are a liability to a company. That means that you are a risk. HR is here to manage that risk—not to manage your emotions. When you walk into a room with HR, you’re not entering a therapy session. You’re entering a containment zone and if you say the wrong thing, they will write it down and potentially use it against you in the future, for the good of the company.

Try complaining about your manager. Watch how quickly that becomes “a great opportunity to practice resilience.”

Tip: HR isn’t there for you. They are there for the company. Don’t forget it.

“Anonymous Surveys” are a trap

HR loves a good pulse survey, both because it gives them something to do, and because they can use it to manipulate you.

They want your “honest feedback.” They want you to “be candid.” They want to know “how we can improve the culture.” And then—surprise!—you’re mysteriously removed from the next project after rating leadership a 3/10 on “empathy.”

The truth is that they don’t want honesty. They want to be lulled into a false sense of calm about you, the work that you’re doing, and the people that you’re engaged with on a daily basis. They want to know that you’re not a threat.

They’ll, of course, tell you the results of any survey are confidential. They’ll smile while they say it. But somewhere, someone is cross-referencing your responses with your IP address and a calendar invite marked “Follow-up Chat.”

Tip: Be careful what you write in an anonymous survey. It’s almost certainly not anonymous and anything you say can and will be used against you.

HR wrote the 93-Step layoff script

You know that eerie calm your manager has while telling you your “role has been impacted”? That’s because HR gave them the script. Word for word. Pauses included. They’ve practiced this routine in front of a mirror, like a psycho. 

HR didn’t just approve the layoffs—they planned them like an office-themed heist with decks and snacks. 

They’ll even sit in on the call, blank-faced, ready to hit “End Meeting” if you cry too hard. And if you ever wonder why you had to sign a non-disparagement clause just to get your severance? Yep. That’s them too.

Tip: After you’ve been let go, just end the call. You don’t owe them anything. You don’t need to answer their questions. You don’t need to say a damned thing. It’s over.

HR weaponizes words like “Professionalism”

“Professionalism” means: don’t say anything real. Don’t be too honest. Don’t get too upset. Don't challenge anything unless you're willing to have your Slack messages pulled as evidence.

You’re in a corporate hell and you have to learn to play the game.

They’ll smile while telling you that your “tone” was inappropriate and that your “passion” needs to be channeled more “constructively.” Meanwhile, your manager’s passive-aggressive comments during standup go unchecked, because he’s just like that.

Tip: Never show your cards or who you really are. Be a stone-cold monster, because that’s who you’re up against.

HR only shows up when you’re in trouble

You never hear from HR until something’s gone wrong, and when you do, boy are you in for it. 

No one gets surprise cupcakes from HR. Instead, you get surprise “check-ins”, “fact-finding” meetings, or the kind of calendar invites that ruin your whole week. You know exactly what I’m talking about: the kind of generic meeting where you sit and worry about it for two days because you know exactly what is coming.

By the time HR is involved, the outcome has already been decided. You’re not being heard, you’re being managed.

Tip: You don’t have to wait for a meeting. Insist that it happens now and get it out of the way. You don’t need to suffer as they lead you to the slaughterhouse. Have some fun. Push back. Be the menace that you always wanted to be. You’re getting fired anyway.

Final Thought

You can be friendly with HR. You can even like some of the people who work in HR. But don’t ever mistake the department for your ally. They are the firewall between your job and your dignity, and they are usually very good at what they do.

If you need real support, talk to your friends or your spouse. Form a union. 

And, don’t forget, you can always wear a sarcastic graphic tee like this to your PIP. If nothing else, it will make you feel better. Because at the end of the day, HR might not be your friend—but at least they’ll definitely remember what you wore.

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