Should you code naked?

This is a satirical article. Don't take it too seriously.

In typical developer fashion, the answer is: “It depends”.

This is an important and nuanced discussion that needs to be had, but everyone I talk to about it continuously averts their gaze whenever I bring it up. The cowards.

We here at Miserably Employed don't let HR scare us. Let’s dig into the what, why, when, how, and what to do when you inevitably get caught of coding in the nude.

At the end, we’ll talk about some famous nude developers!

Why code naked?

Coding wearing nothing but confidence shouldn’t need justification. Alas, I’ve been informed by powers greater than myself (my wife) that not everyone just “gets it”.

The feeling of coding without a .body stylesheet is the same as closing 84 tabs after you figured out you were missing a semicolon. It’s the rush of pushing an experimental feature to prod while knowing damn well that you are creating job security for the customer support team.

Feeling the air created by your 50 words-per-minute code slinging on your uncached assets is an experience that only few can put into words. I’m not one of them, even though I know the pleasure.

There is no way for me to convince you just how good this is. You must unpants immediately in order to truly understand the meaning of the term “open-sourced”.

When to code naked?

Yes.

No, but seriously, this is where most of the nuance comes into play.

You have to be strategic when thinking about where and when to peel off your productivity constraints.

Here are some examples:

At home, alone: Bare back
On a bathroom (tiktok) break: Wear the moment
On Zoom: Buttoned up top, pants dropped
- And when you do, wear our shirt to really keep them guessing.
In the office: Only one way to find out.

There’s a 50/50 chance we’re naked when you chat with us on Discord.

Just saying.

What languages are best coded naked?

It would be too easy to say Python.

No C though. Remember, that’s frowned upon.

CSS is a good choice, at least one thing will look good.

PHP is also another great one, because you’re already making bad choices so you might as well keep the momentum going.

And finally, HTMX. Because apparently you’re vulnerable to injection.

Setting up your naked dev environment

Arguable the most important section of this document.

There are a few obvious things you need to remember:

No dark mode.

You have chosen the path of least resistance. You aren’t allowed to hide behind dark rooms or cowardly terms like eye fatigue anymore. You revel in the light of full frontal clarity. Turn all the lights on, everywhere.

It’ll be way less awkward than standing there in the dark.

You do not sit, you stand.

With your legs wide, power stance. You dangle. Aerate. You do not half-ass your tom foolery with the squashing of cheeks. You stand, chest out, slight lower back curve, shoulders back, with the pride of an ancient warrior.

Desk plants mandatory.

You are a jungle being now. The wind blows between your cheeks uninterrupted. You no longer cower in fear at your codebase. You hunt bugs. You smell of bark, and fear.

I don’t know where you got that face-paint, but I’m impressed.

Know the risks

Inevitably, someone will catch you. It’s not a question of if, but when.

Do not be ashamed.

Your sheer dominance will send them through phases of revelation as they experience horror, shock, disgust, curiosity, reflection, admiration, and finally… acceptance.

So don’t be afraid. Slip into something not safe for standups.

But also, lock your door you weirdo.

Famous coders who definitely didn’t do this, but we’ll pretend they did.

These aren’t real, but let’s pretend they are because it’s more fun that way.

Bill Gates

In 1993, during an overnight coding binge at Microsoft, Bill reportedly entered what would later be called “The Ballmer Peak”—a mystical zone of coding clarity achieved through a precise blood-alcohol ratio.

At exactly 2:47 AM, Bill stood up, muttered “Clothes are a bottleneck,” and stripped down to nothing but socks and a mouse cable wrapped around his waist.

Mark Zuckerberg

We all saw The Social Network and know exactly how often the Zuck left his dorm room.

He violates Facebook’s user’s privacy as a projection of how exposed he felt while naked-coding.

Linus Torvalds

In the depths of a Finnish winter, Linus Torvalds created git entirely from a sauna. I have no idea how he got a laptop in there, but for the sake of this fantastical story, he did. I don’t want to think that hard.

You probably already know this, but the first ever git commit read: