How to Pretend to Work 40 Hours a Week

An advanced guide to corporate camouflage for the deeply disengaged

Let’s face it. You’ve been hired to be a “team player,” but the game is rigged, the ball is imaginary, and the scoreboard hasn’t worked since 2003. So why break a sweat? The recent layoffs have shown that they aren’t going to be loyal to you, so why should you be loyal to them?

In today’s remote-hybrid-digital-meets-humanity workspace, perception is productivity, so here’s how to look like you're working 40 hours a week—while doing substantially less.

Calendar Theater

This is what I like to call the illusion of busyness. Your calendar should look like a Cirque du Soleil show—colorful, packed, and slightly unhinged.

There are a few components to ensuring that your calendar looks like a Boston brick wall. First and foremost are recurring meetings which you can use to create a kind of naughty structure to your work week. The trick here is that you can start by booking 30-minute daily check-ins with yourself. Perfect titles could be “Quarterly planning alignment” or “Roadmap update work”. It needs to sound serious, but at the same time be generic enough that nobody is going to question your nonsense.

Next up are strategic conflicts. These are overlapping low-stakes meetings that coincide with high-visibility ones that other people are attending. Make sure to apologize profusely (you know, so that people see that you’re busy), but never attend either meeting. Nobody will know. Nobody will care.

Fake focus blocks are legitimized vacation spots during your hectic day. They are for “real work” without being disturbed. You, of course, are going to play Civ, but who cares?

Bonus: Sync it to Slack so your status automatically updates to “In Focus Mode” with a little 🔕 emoji. Chef’s kiss.

Master the Slack Mirage

Slack is your theater, and you are both the star and the understudy. If you haven’t already, make sure to check out how to spread panic in Slack. That is, btw, another great way of staying visible while avoiding actual work.

You can always use "Quick FYI" messages to send short updates at odd hours. 7:13 AM or 6:47 PM creates the illusion that you’re up early or staying late. People will see that you’re working hard, and you can go back to sleep, or to your movie. Whatever, man.

It’s important to react strategically on Slack. A well-timed emoji can replace a 300-word reply. Pro tip: 😬, 👍, or 👀 imply involvement without commitment. You don’t need to react immediately, either. Sometimes, the longer that you wait, the more busy you’ll look. Make sure to never react while you are in strategically placed meetings. That’s sus.

Lastly, you can always resurface old slack threads. Every Thursday, comment “Any updates on this?” on old threads. Stir chaos, walk away. 

Email as a Low-Effort Long Con

Email is the lazy man’s performance art. Seriously, if you’re smart and sneaky, you can use email to bulk up the “work” that you do in a day to make it look like you’re running a marathon.

Start by scheduling sends. Draft all your emails in one 30-minute burst, then schedule them throughout the day. People will think you’re always "just catching up." 
When you do this, make sure to Loop In Leadership. CC a manager on benign updates. You’re not just working—you’re visible. It’s not like they read it anyway. You just need their inbox to show your name multiple times, all day, everyday.

Use the subject line as your battleground. Add words like “UPDATE,” “SYNC,” and “INFO” even when nothing is happening. It makes you look on top of things and organized, even though both you and I know different.

Productive Inertia

Your goal isn’t to finish work. It’s to move it around like a shell game. It’s about having enough things in the works that it’s reasonable that nothing is getting done. Remember: your managers agreed to this. It’s their fault. You can always subtly let them know that.

Break big tasks Into Atomic Units. One blog post becomes "Outline," "Tone Review," "Internal Feedback Loop," and "Cross-Departmental Amplification Strategy." Each one of these is then a successfully completed task by the time you’re done! Wow!

If your boss is a few time zones away, everything can and should be asynchronous. You should prefer tools that require written updates. That way, delays feel like time zones, not neglect. It’s not on you, it’s on the stupid earth and how stupidly slow it spins. 

A big part of all of this is to always request clarification. Ask questions that require 2–3 business days to answer. Never act without a response. It’s now on them. You should make a sandwich. It feels like sandwich time.

Visibility Over Value

In knowledge work, doing is optional—but being seen doing is critical. 

For me, this always was structured around weekly updates that let my bosses, peers, and underlings know just how much I’m doing. Post vague but optimistic updates like “Progressing nicely on the initiative”, “we’re aligning cross-functionally”, and of course, “we are mitigating blockers.”

You should always be present in stand-ups. I know, they are hell, but hear me out. Turn your mic on, say “I’m heads down on a few things, you’ll get my update in Slack” then mute yourself for the rest. You can turn your camera off at that point. You just need to be seen. It’s hard to be a survivor.

You Are the Spreadsheet Now

Working 40 hours a week is a relic of industrial capitalism. Pretending to work 40 hours a week? That’s modern careerism.

You don’t need to get promoted—you just need to avoid getting fired while conserving energy for your actual passions (doom-scrolling, side-hustles, or quietly losing your mind).

Now get back to that Zoom call. And remember to nod once every 40 seconds. Your job is now looking like you’re doing your job.